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Reviewers needed for The Unconventional Life of Jenna Jaghe. If interested email me www.warvici@aol.com and i can forward you a copy xxx

Part 2: Formally scolded by Mr Formidable Police Officer!

Part 2: A showdown in front of the cops!

So probably calling the police was a little impulsive and over the top! I also got a verbal warning for ‘wasting police time’ but that’s not the best of it, I was formally scolded by Peter Handfril in front of his superiors. I feel like a prize twat! I do however have my laptop back but unfortunately I had to return Flannigan’s tan cruise shoe, it was like swap shop and slightly humiliating and I really wanted to slap him with his obscene Sailor shoe right round his hamster like chops but I fear I would have ended up spending the night with a hard concrete slab, an itchy grey blanket and a bucket to do my business in, so I decided to save that one for another day.

Flannigan and I sat there in one of the police station interrogation rooms and had to spill out our private life to poor Peter Handfril and his sergeant!

I did get angry and was told to calm down when Fucking Flannigan tried to blame me for all this kafuffle saying “see, look at what I had to deal with, I mean is there any wonder I strayed?”
I stood up with clenched fists at this point but one look from Peter Handfril’s formidable looking boss immediately made me check myself and I smoothed my skirt down and tried to remain dignified and sat back down wiping the angry froth from my mouth.

I honestly think that God, Jesus, the aliens or whoever else is orchestrating my life is in it for a laugh, I mean come on! This bastard cheated on me, humiliated me, left me alone and pregnant and ran off with miss red haired hussy galore wanting nothing to do with me or my baby because scabby Tabby was also pregnant and then just because he finds out that her baby is some other mugs he decides that he does want to see my daughter after all, so he runs into my house and steals my laptop, what is going on, the world has gone nuts! And let’s not forget that he shopped me for driving into the BMW woman’s Beema! Flannigan you are nothing more than a mummy’s boy who I have my suspicions is still breast fed, you not her and I only have one more thing to say to you……… bitty! Now I know that I probably should not have said all this out loud in front of the police officers and I understand that they had to give me a formal warning and that I was a tiny, little bit out of control but Jesus Christ, most women would be serving time for castrating the prick!

It’s not fair and once again I looked like the crazy and Peter Handfril will never visit me again!

A brief synopsis of my life to date, please continue with me on my path to the nearest mental asylum!

Hi, for those of you who do not know me I am Jenna Jaghe and I would love you to follow me on my roller coaster! The story so far: James Flannigan was my live-in lover, that is until I found out that he was cheating on me with Tabatha; a red haired, whorish woman with hair that resembles the bowl haircuts that my mother used to give me back in the day (the ones that I got beat up for). The same day I found this out I also discovered that I was pregnant (nearly five months gone) and if this wasn’t bad enough a few weeks later I found out that Tabatha was pregnant too and you guessed it, also with Flanigan’s love child….or at least we thought it was Flannigan’s until she popped out a rather deep shade of brown! So after a near psychotic breakdown I picked myself up and carried on as best I could and what with all the hormones hurling me around like that poor girl on the exorcist and my insane mother and granny acting like the devil inside that possessed that poor girl on the exorcist, I truly do not know I managed to stay so sane! I would probably have self-harmed in the form of a hot needle and my eye if it wasn’t for my lovely friends and the embarrassing meeting of a male police officer who treats me every now and again (strictly platonic). I have throughout my pregnancy managed to accuse a man of being on a covert operation to take down my number plate, urinated in a strangers bathroom in front of a strange man, wrongly thinking that it was a show home; attacked an old age pensioner, thrown cake in an old lady’s bird nest, bouffant hair, walked around in two different coloured shoes with different heel heights and these are the tame things, sounds like a bucket list doesn’t it? Anyway, once again I would like to point out that if you had my mother and granny the only question that you would ask yourself is ‘how has this poor woman managed to stay so well balanced?’ So I eventually gave birth to a lovely little girl whom I have called Jessica and just let me point out that it was not my fault that I ended up having pain relief throughout the labour from hell! I know I had emphatically stressed that pain relief was not for me but I nearly died for god’s sake! And then I came out of hospital and I immediately wished that I had! I came out, or should I say that my mother ‘came out’ as a nymphomaniacal nudist and now has a live-in lover called Colin and let’s just say that I have seen more of him than I saw of Flannigan and my safe place will never be the same! So I am now looking forward to the ‘hormone free’ rest of my life and getting back to normality and the sane, responsible, well-adjusted business woman that I am; that is once I sort out what the hell I am going to do about Flannigan, who wanted nothing to do with me and my daughter when the slimy pig thought that Tabatha was carrying his child however now that he realises she was as ‘loose’ as he was when it came to fidelity, he decides that he does want to see my daughter after all. I just can’t decide the best way forward but I am sure, as I always do, I will sort it out with the dignity and grace that I always manage to do!

I am actually risking a clean police record for a bloody tan cruise shoe!

Part 1 of how I ended up on the wrong side of the law! How do I end up in these situations? Honestly I do not understand why Peter Handfril still acknowledges me let alone visits me and out of hours! I bet he thinks that I am a ‘special’ person and that he is doing his duty, being a police officer an all, by befriending the complete loser that is me! Anyway it’s all Flannigan’s fault, the idiotic and damn right cheek of that obnoxious, twat is beyond me. There I am happily minding my own business, taking five precious minutes whilst Jessica is taking a nap, to have a cuppa in the sunshine, when foul Flannigan turns up at the foot of my deck chair as hideous as ever!“ Jenna I want to see my daughter!” “James”, I said “What the hell? Go away! I have told you that this is something that I have to seriously think about and anyway I thought that you wanted nothing to do with either of us because you didn’t want Tabatha upsetting?” “Yes well sometimes people misjudge people”. “Like I misjudged you, you mean. Like when I thought that living together meant exclusivity and not that you were free to go out shagging some mindless, red haired slapper who also, it turns out, could not keep it in her panties! How is that going by the way, I hear the baby has a slight tan?” “Jenna you are being terribly unreasonable and downright immature!” “Unreasonable, unreasonable!” I shrieked “How dare you James Flannigan, how very dare you? I suggest that you take your sorry arse out of my garden, you are making my sunflowers shrivel and frankly having to look at you is hurting my retinas. Now I have told you before and I will tell you again, if you ever turn up unannounced again, ever, I swear to god I will……!” “You will what Jenna? Grow up and think about what is best for the child” “The child? You do not even know her name!” I screamed “and I know for a fact that my mother has told that ‘Hitler’ who you call your mother my daughter’s name. Get away from me now. Get back to her fascist regime you abhorrent, little man! “And with that he ran into my kitchen and grabbed the one and only thing that he had ever paid half to the entire time that he had lived under my roof, rent free – the bloody lap top. Thing is it has all Jessica’s new-born photos on it, not to mention all of my business accounts and contacts. I ran after him and I grabbed his leg as he was trying to escape back through the door that he had dashed in through, I pulled so hard that his tan, cruise shoe came off in my hands and with that he ran off down the street like John from diddle, diddle dumpling. I could not believe what had just happened and then Jessica started to yell. That was it I thought I will not stand for this a moment longer and I called the police! Ps. Flannigan’s tan cruise shoes are vile!

Nudist Colony, with my mother....i do not think so!!!!!!!!!

Holiday with mummy and Colin, in the heart of Hertfordshire! My mother has invited me to join her and creepy Colin for an all-expenses paid holiday to Hertfordshire. They are renting a luxury caravan, I would even have my own room with en-suite, she says, where is the wardrobe I hear you say, well there isn’t one because this little delight, tucked away in the hamlet of Spielplatz in Bricket Wood, Herefordshire is actually a nudist colony! Can you just imagine? Me, my mother, her lover and all those bits being tosses around like a tosser over brunch! “Would you like more jam on your waffle dear!” I don’t think so! I have told my mother that if she doesn’t back off with this nudist shit that I am going to tell granny exactly what she is up to and why she goes nicker free most days. It’s one thing dangling her nipples around the house every now and then but now she is taking it too far and trying to coerce me. Well I will not be joining the naked moon dance that I am sure they are planning to do, chanting in the woods. No siree! It’s bad enough that my fanny is pride of place on her mantelpiece for all to see and that Colin is just a weirdo!

My fanny is pride of place on the mantlepiece!

Oh my god, my mother has only gone and gilt framed the picture of Jessica crowing and placed it pride of place, on a cream frilly doily, on her marble mantelpiece. She does not see why I may be slightly miffed at this! “Jenna, this is a beautiful and a completely natural experience which should be shared and celebrated” she claimed. “Yes mother I do know this, however I do not agree with every Tom, Dick and Harry and the bloody meter reader and his aunt having an up close and personal view of my vagina every time they walk into the front living room, my face is on there for Christ sake and what about Colin?” “What about Colin?” “Erm the fact that you have barely known the man for two whole seconds, it’s bad enough that he has coerced you into joining the nudist colony where you all show your fannies off on a daily basis but I, mother, do not wish him to see mine and I certainly do not wish to become a member of ‘bares in the wood” “Calm down Jenna, although I must admit, I was a little disappointed that you hadn’t waxed, it could be seen as slightly offensive, good job it’s not jet black hey ha ha, you have granny and I to thank for that, your dad was as black as they come down there ha ha but once I have explained to people that Jessica came as a surprise we can all look past the hairiness and focus on the beauty that is childbirth” This my people is my mother and unfortunately she has a lot of visitors and she genuinely sees no wrong she really does do all these heinous things to me out of love, I’m screwed!

Whores and Karma!

I have heard through the grapevine that Tabatha has called her baby Lilly. I have also heard that she does not know who the father is as she was not, as Fake Flannigan thought, entirely faithful to the man who she was having an affair with, my man actually and my baby’s daddy! It turns out the whore was sleeping with several different men from several different continents around the time that she fell pregnant and just decided to pick the one with the most potential and one who would presumably stick around, that girl must have daddy issues. God knows why she chose a mummy’s boy like Fanny Flannigan, I can only assume it is because his family are well off. Well I was starting to doubt Karma but I think it just may exist after all. Just waiting for it to hit Flannigan now. This could not have happened to two nicer people, I just feel sorry for the kid!