Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Why does my mother want to ruin my life?

So today has been pretty uneventful. No wait a minute......has it hell!!!!!

Started out like any other 'normal' day in my life. Woke up, fell out of bed, turned the TV on and there is my mother, larger than life on a talk show discussing, wait for it......How to enjoy sex in your 60's as much as you did in your 20's!!!! Vom, eugh. As if I need this to start my day and how the hell did she get on TV??? You think this can’t get any worse, well think again. She then goes on to discuss how she is 'getting some' and her 30 odd year old daughter isn’t and that I need to because I am becoming bitter and jealous of other people who enjoy a healthy sex life like her and Colin. What about this woman is healthy? She is completely retarded and then on national TV (international if you include internet broadcasts) she goes on to talk about my predicament with Flannigan impregnating me and cheating on me and choosing Tabatha as she was obviously 'Better in the old er hum sack, if you will, half covering her mouth as if she didn’t want THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD TO HEAR….. I will literally kill this woman, ARGH!!!!!. How will I face my customers today? How will I even walk out of the house today, or ever again for that matter? This woman completely and consistently ruins my life!!!

Am just hoping that I hit my head harder than I originally thought when I fell out of bed and that I am unconscious and having a nightmare.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

10 Ways to determine whether you are dating a sociopathic bastard like James Flannigan!

1. Egocentricity (e.g. James Flannigan believes that he is Jesus Christ Almighty and he believes that his mother is the Virgin Mary.)

2. Callousness (e.g. James Flannigan has absolutely no regard for anybody other than himself and his neurotic mother.)

3. Impulsivity (e.g. James Flannigan was so impulsive that he slept with Tabatha, who has the worst possible helmet hair in the history of hair doo’s, behind my back.)

4. Conscience defect (e.g. James Flannigan has no conscience – period!)

5. Exaggerated sexuality (e.g. There is definitely something dodgy going on with Flannigan and his mother……that relationship is just not right…..just saying!)

6. Excessive boasting (e.g. Oh my God, all the time! James Flannigan does an awful lot of boasting for a man who has never accomplished anything other than how to live off unsuspecting women.)

7. Risk taking (e.g. Hence the affair with Tabatha, in broad daylight, in my home town!)

8. Inability to resist temptation (e.g. As above, however I really do not know exactly what he was tempted by. I can only assume that he must like girls who look like they have a ginger muff stuck on their head.)

9. Antagonistic, depreciating attitude towards the opposite sex (e.g. Oh he may appear charming at first but the sexism soon starts filtering through because he is not clever enough to hide it. Tabatha just wait and see.)

10. Lack of interest in bonding with a mate (e.g. Actually he has been doing far too much bonding with ‘mates’, so this one may not apply however he has not so far, in his thirties, ever, ever had a relationship that has lasted for longer than 1 year, so could still apply.)

Ladies if you feel that your man has more than 3 of these traits, run for the hills and don’t ever look back ever! James Flannigan cheated on me with Tabatha and now we are both his baby mama’s. This is not a good situation!

Friday, 22 November 2013

'Faux Pas' of the Social Networking Century!

I would like to apologise! The other day whilst I was sat waiting in the doctors surgery for my appointment, after what felt like 15 days of waiting, I decided to scan my Facebook account. Now most people know that I am relatively new to social networking and that coupled with my name being called out over the speaker system, right before I had chance to proof read my status, resulted in me quickly pressing the send button before I dashed off. So to clarify to those I haven't explained this to already; I was not sat in the doctors surgery with a smelly fanny but was in fact sat in the doctors surgery with a smelly granny!

A smelly pensioner would have been a better term to use and would have saved me the embarrassment that the stupid inventer of predictive text has cost me.

Ps. if anybody knows who invented predictive text pass on their name as I am going to sue!

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Just call me Aristotle!

Friday 4th May – 9 weeks to go!

Knew when I walked into work this morning and Sarah was playing The Smiths ‘Heaven knows I’m miserable now’ that today was going to be a tuff one! So I invited her to stay with me tonight, what with it being her father’s wedding tomorrow (to that whore, not my words). I need to share some of my philosophical insights with her if she is going to get through this one!

Also apparently now that I am 31 weeks pregnant my baby is gaining weight like a ‘good en’ and unfortunately so am I, on my arse!

Saturday 5th May


Well my job with Sarah is now done. I am pleased and slightly proud to say that I have calmed her and coached her with my philosophical wisdom (just call me Aristotle) and she is now more than to ready to watch her father walk down the aisle with a woman that she detests and who she believes is responsible for sending her mother, literally schizo, skipping to the asylum (heard that she was frothing at the mouth too but I daren't muster up the courage to ask Sarah if this is true).

She can do this, I have faith, all she needed was magic and voila I have created a young woman who is capable of acting like a wise and dignified one instead of the raging loon that transpires whenever her father and whore's name is mentioned and I am now quite looking forward to attending the ceremony.

That’s the down side in my job you see, you hardly ever get to see the actual wedding day. I do get the odd invite but nowhere near as many as I would like. Maybe I should start wedding crashing!

I wonder why Sarah’s step mother to be didn’t come to my wedding boutique, the cow.

I have and I know I will live to regret it, asked my mother to fill in for me at the boutique today. She is under strict instructions that she is not allowed to fraternise with the customers! She is only there to make appointments and say please and thank you.

“I have been in this business longer than you Jenna” the silly woman said! She thinks that just because she used to call in for a cup of tea when my aunt Gladys had the shop and that she wears a hat when she attends other people’s weddings it qualifies her as an expert on everything wedding!

Going to thoroughly enjoy some wedding cake for once.

Friday, 1 November 2013

Cheating pig, beast!

Thursday 3rd May

Bit of a bad mood today, still have days where I want to rip Flannigan's adulterous head off and shove it up Tabatha’s slaggy, ginger, hairy arse! I worry sometimes how I will explain this conundrum to my baby, I mean what will I say when he/she asks about his/her father because I refuse to swear at or in front of my child!

I hate men and I hate women who like men today and just for the record that is me speaking and not the hormones!

Friday, 4 October 2013

Live your own life!

Wednesday 2nd May

Some people are so obsessed with celeb’s lives that they are forgetting to live their own! I have just been browsing through last week’s Hello magazine and there is an out and out war between two women (obviously over a man, why else do women argue?) This article was about all the heartbreak that a certain poor woman is going through after finding out that her hubby to be is a cheating scumbag just like Flannigan and then next to her is the ‘other woman’.

Both were laid trying to look sexy on the expensive, looking white, sheepskin rug, legs splayed all over the place, like they were waiting for the object of their cat fight to come home and partake in a threesome and at the side of each picture is an inventory of the names of the designers of the clothes the pair are wearing! Wtf!!! I can just imagine me and Tabatha in the centre page stood, back to back, leaning on each other, arms folded, me nipping myself and at the side is not a description of some nifty ninja move that I should be using on her but ‘Jenna wears Lilac dress by Primark, whilst Tabatha wears leopard print leggings from Select’ Jesus please put these women out of their misery!

Again why is nobody teaching these women the importance of education and standing on your own two feet and that when a man disrespects you on such a profound level you are supposed to tell him to piss off and never, ever let him back in your precious life, no matter how much it hurts you, you will eventually get over him because and mark my words on this one, it would be far worse if you took him back, he will do it again and how the hell will you be able to look your child in the eye if it ever goes through something similar, knowing that you have taught it to either a) if it is a girl, lay back and think of England like mummy did b) if it’s a boy that it is ok to treat women this way because daddy did it to mummy! For Christ sake have some self-respect women and please, please, please tell the magazine who is wanting to lower you to this level for the cash payment that is so not worth your dirty laundry being rinsed out internationally to go to the same place as the bastard that has put you in this position in the first place! Rant over!

Monday, 30 September 2013