Sunday, 13 March 2016

My Make Believe Green Granny

Ooh that was Peter Handfril on the phone, he is coming over this evening and I am going to cook something lovely for him.

Ooh that was Peter Handfril on the phone, he is coming over this evening and I am going to cook something lovely for him.

Later – In the Supermarket
I grabbed some radishes, cucumbers and other healthy, ripe perishables so I could prepare a scrumptious dish for my Peter Handfril. He would think me wonderful for preparing him a nutritious yet fulfilling, hearty meal after his hard day of dealing with undesirables and keeping our streets safe and crime free, I suppose in a way I was also contributing to the public’s safety by feeding a strong man of the law. I popped them into my trolley and wandered off into the next isle to select a lovely piece of Rump.
I was just about to throw some soft cheese with a delicious herb coating into my trolley when I saw three bottles of feminine wash lobbed on top of some long stemmed broccoli. I looked around to see if somebody was trying to tell me something – maybe one of the sharers from face book but as I looked back into the trolley I discovered a boat load of stuff that I hadn’t put in: tissues, donuts, tena lady and then I realised that this wasn’t my trolley! I had taken somebody else’s trolley......again!
Just as I was about to abandon ship, I heard a familiar husky voice calling my name – Peter Handfril was bounding by the sliced cheese and before I could hide he was on me, the upholder of the law.
He said he was just picking up a desert for tonight, he also had a huge bunch of flowers (which I think were for me and I smiled) but that smile soon turned upside down when I saw him inspecting the contents of the trolley, the trolley that he thought was my trolley that was not my trolley.
I considered asking him if he had a warrant but I could see him painting himself a disturbing narrative based on the contents of this trolley that suggested: down below, things were not going so well for me and I panicked.
So instead I told him that it was my Granny, Mavis’s trolley but that I had lost her over by the beef burgers. Bad idea! Never lie to a policeman. He immediately grabbed hold of my arm and escorted me over to the customer service desk and before I knew it blaring out over the public address system:
‘Mavis, if you can hear this please come to our customer service desk which is located at the bottom of isle six. Can all members of staff and other shoppers please be on the lookout for a missing elderly lady wearing a.....’ Both Peter Handfril and the over-keen customer service lady were now looking at me urging me to share what my counterfeit granny was wearing.

‘Erm, err.....a green, tweed coat and matching green trousers and a green handbag with erm, er matching green shoes and a green hat.’ Who was she a fucking leprechaun? What is wrong with me?
At least if you are going to make up a granny to cover the fact that you’ve hijacked incontinence in a trolley at least make her realistic. And just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse my mother tapped me on the shoulder, with Glenda and asked me what I was doing and then that counterfeit old lady that I rendered unconscious walked by, looked inside my trolley, scoffed and called me a, ‘cheeky bastard’ and snatched her trolley back!
I had to blame the hormones again and unfortunately my mother and Peter Handfril and Glenda have now met.
The crook whose trolley I had taken (with a head wound that still hasn’t healed) didn’t wish to press charges (her handbag was hanging from the hook on the trolley so she very well could have).
She settled for Peter Handfril flashing his badge and assuring her that I would be given a verbal warning and my mother just shook her head and said thank god for Peter Handfril.
Downside: Peter Handfril now knows exactly what happened that day in the town. Apparently she thinks that I am stalking her.
Anyway I have sulked all afternoon and I can only imagine that Peter Handfril will not be turning up for tea later.

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