Nipple Fetish Supreme

I am very worried about becoming a mum. Maybe I really should consider living with my mother, like she suggested.
8pm – Lactating for the minority!
I will not, ever, ever, ever live with my mother, ever!
The only possible outcomes of living with a woman who refers to me as the fruit of her loins are:

1) Me, sectioned in the psychiatric hospital, under the mental health act, alongside Sarah’s murderess mother, jabbering incoherently, clucking and licking a pissy mattress.
2) Living with a vile, vast, big bellied, adult baby donning a shitty nappy, a dummy dangling from his neck with a nipple suckling phillia and a giant rattle cum bottom dildo.
May I also point out that either scenario is preferable to living with my mother.
After the woman spent a full hour priming me on the horrors of crack babies and single mother’s she went on to lecture me on the importance of securing a husband before I ‘get even fatter.’
She then proceeded to tell me with much excitement that her and her best mate pissing Glenda have set up a dating profile for me on and I quote, ‘one of those internets!’
I demanded she take me to her computer right way.

33 year old average height and average size woman who can cook and clean is seeking a gentleman friend who has no objection to raising an illegitimate baby as his own.
Worker bees only.
Must like days out with the mum-in-law.

What the fucking hell! Thirty fucking three! It comes to something when your own mother doesn’t know how old you are!
I asked her why she didn’t just set up a site for freaks who like to do pregnant women, or blokes who are into erotic lactating.
I lost it. ‘Well I suppose I should really consider it Mother, I mean, I guess I could earn a fortune. I’ll tell you what mother, while I’m breastfeeding them, I’ll let em shit on my lap too because I hear there’s some serious coin to be had there. What the hell were you thinking? You silly, mad, irrational woman and why would you think that I need supporting? And please tell me that you didn’t put any private details on there like my address and phone number. Do you realise what kind of men actually seek out pregnant women? Google it mother on one of those ‘internets’ or read Take a Break now and again...better still watch Jezza. Jesus Christ mother! Would you like me turning up on your doorstep with a gummy pensioner dangling from my stretched nipple with baba up his back?’
Her reply: ‘You shouldn’t speak to your mother like that Jenna. Glenda’s daughter doesn’t.
‘That’s because Glenda’s daughter will probably be the one answering my ad.’ I screamed.
In the words of Albert ‘A thought that often makes me hazy, is it me or the others that are crazy?’ I feel your pain Albert, I feel your pain.